I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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