if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
