I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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