I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
