can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
