You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
