paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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