Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
