so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
