My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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