I wish my penis had an off switch
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
