just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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