You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
