I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
