Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
