i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
