My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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