I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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