Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
