When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
