so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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