Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
