i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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