u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
