you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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