Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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