Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
