If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
