I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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