she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
