i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
