I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
