Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
