you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
