All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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