Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
