John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
