Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
are you so shy because you have an std?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
