you would pick up someone in the library
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
