I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
50% drunk capacity currently
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
