I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
