Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
