Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
