I'm so fucking centered right now
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
