Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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