Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
