If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
