so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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