I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
All I want is dick and wine.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
