i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
